


I do not love you - XVII

by OtterlyWasted



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Love, Love Confessions, Pablo Neruda - Freeform, Short & Sweet, True Love, elriel?, i really hate coming up with tags, is that the ship combo?, mixing poetry with prose, trying to break writers block
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:14:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26434012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtterlyWasted/pseuds/OtterlyWasted
Summary: Ok, so, I am struggling with a weird sort of writers block. So I decided to try and work through it by writing anything that came to mind - and holy crap I actually came up with a little short story.If you haven't ever read it, there is this really awesome poem by Pablo Neruda: XVII (I do not love you). https://hellopoetry.com/poem/9959/xvii-i-do-not-love-you/I really love this poem, and I had the idea to try and use this poem in a story somehow, either following the theme of it or using the actual text, etc.Anyways, I did it! I wrote something! Woot!So, long story super short... little tiny love coming to fruition story between Elain and Azriel.I hope you like it!P.S. - This was written suuuper fast, and I only sort of proofread it, so there may be errors. I will eventually go back and look through it again, but I am trying to keep my momentum going and writing something else. <3
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Azriel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	I do not love you - XVII

I knew he was there, standing beneath the shadows cast by the great oak tree that bordered the property of Feyre’s new estate. I could feel his dark eyes watching me, drinking me in. The first time I felt him watching I was uncomfortable, and it seemed as soon as he felt that he disappeared into a wisp of shadow - yet he always returned; sometimes days, or weeks later.

Over time I relaxed, coming to terms that he meant me no harm, and realizing that for him, to watch me in the garden, brought him peace and solace in a world that was always seemed dark and violent for him.

He had saved me once, risking torture and death to free me from a tyrant, and if watching me could ease his pain for even an hour, then I was willing and even happy to provide such a distraction.

A time or two I had looked up to where I knew he was, yet as soon as I turned in his direction he would disappear, so I learned to leave it be and continue in my work. The times where we met in person, at dinner with Feyre and her dashing, if sometimes annoying mate, he was always flawlessly polite, yet distant, as though he was still standing beneath that oak tree, watching. A part of my world, yet somehow separate from it, and after watching him with our friends, because somehow they had also become my friends, I noticed he was like that with them was well. He was a part of our group, loved and loving them, yet he stood apart, veiled in his shadows and pain.

Over time I came to love our silent moments together, him watching and me gardening, and looked forward to it, missing it when he was gone on secret missions that were assuredly dangerous. I worried until he would return, became anxious the longer he was gone.

One such mission took a month, and I found myself restless and agitated, wandering my garden and hot house, almost unable to work with my flowers until the day I felt him return, felt his eyes on me, and felt myself smile with relief.

I wondered if he knew that smile was solely for him.

Then Lucien returned, the mate the Cauldron chose for me. The day he arrived back at the estate he sought me out, all fine manners and tenderness, bringing me a gift of seeds and a proposal to talk.

Feyre encouraged me to give him a chance, told me he was a good male.

I did try, despite how my stomach twisted up and my heart ached. There was a longing there for this red haired male who walked beside me in the garden, a tether that linked us together, yet my eyes drifted from him to gaze towards the oak tree where Azriel stood, meeting my eyes for the first time since he began to watch me. The Cauldron may have chosen Lucien for me, but I did not want him - not because he was cruel or foul, but because I had come to love the silent shadowsinger.

The realization shocked me to the core and I stopped in my tracks as my heart throbbed.

Love.

I loved Azriel.

Lucien, realizing I wasn’t at his side any longer, turned to look at me and saw my gaze turned towards the river, following it to find Azriel standing there beneath the oak tree, and growled. The drive in him, to claim his mate and defend her, rose to the surface, his hand reaching for the sword that was strapped at his side.

Yet Azriel took no notice of him, merely kept his eyes on mine, and in them I could see something burning inside, a desperate hope dancing with overwhelming fear, and I took a step towards him.  
Lucien’s hand shot out, grabbing my elbow, holding me in place.

“Elain…” he whispered to me, calling me back to his side, a summons to be his. I could feel how easy it would be, to step back and stand beside him, to stand in the sun that grew my garden, to live in the light of his love, to be his mate.

But it was the cool shadows that danced around Azriel which called to me now. I knew to stand at Azriel’s side would mean a life lived in darkness, where no flowers grew, yet somehow the promise of flowers to come filled me with such hope that I felt near to bursting with it. Somehow, deep inside of me, I knew that Azriel would carve open his shadows to allow sunlight into his world, just to make a place for me and my flowers, to give me room to grow. That no sacrifice would be too great for him, so long as I was at his side.

And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would drink down his shadows, embrace them fully, for the chance to be at his side.

The Cauldron may have chosen sunlight for me, as though to repay a debt for the life it had stolen, but it was the tranquility of the shadows I craved.

Taking my arm from Lucien’s grasp, I walked from him, out of the sunlight, away from my flowers, and stepped into the shadows of the oak tree, until I stood before him, my shadowsinger.

“I love you,” I said softly, the words pouring from me like sweet honey, “as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadows and the soul.”

Lifting my hand, I pressed it against his warm cheek, stroking my fingers across his skin and watched him shiver in pleasure, his breathing catching for a second before resuming at a faster tempo.

Slowly, oh so slowly, he raised his hand to cup mine against his cheek, the scars on his hand rough against my skin and yet the touch of his flesh to mine made me tremble with pleasure. Turning his head, he pressed a tender kiss against the palm of my hand, then looked towards me once more. Swallowing, he replied in kind, his voice rough with emotions.

“I love you, without knowing how, or when, or from where.” Keeping my hand in his, he lowered them and then stepped closer to me, lifting his other hand to brush his fingers across the curve of my cheek, tracing along my jaw, up to the tip of my ear, each caress leaving cool fire in its wake.

“I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride.” His voice grew lower, softer, sweeter, as he leaned towards me. The warmth of his breath caressed my face, tasting of honeysuckle and sweet vanilla. “So,” he said as his lips just barely brushed my own, “I love you, Elain, because I know no other way than this.”

My breath came faster as I kept my eyes locked with his, my body trembling with hope and fear and love, so much love. Lifting my hand, I saw the shadows swirling around my wrist and palm, a loving caress, then pressed my hand to his chest, over his heart, feeling it’s steady beat.

Smiling, I fell into him, not only in body, but in soul, and pressed my lips fully to his, kissing him deeply, kissing him with my whole heart.

And in that moment I felt the tether that bound me to the male behind me, to Lucien who brought me light and tenderness, dissolve in an instant.

In the emptiness of that place inside me from which that tether once lived, swirled in shadows that wrapped around me, living now darkly in my body. It was not a Cauldron blessed mating bond that I shared with my shadowsinger, yet I knew that the hand I held to his chest was his own, and as he closed his eyes to kiss me deeper, it was my own eyes that closed.

Bound together were we.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who follow my ACOMAF - Rhysand's Perspective project, I am so sorry about how long it's been since I have posted the next chapter. I got stuck in a time line error and my brain is malfunctioning every time I try to fix it. That's why I wrote this little piece to try and get my brain jump started again.
> 
> For those of you who are interested, I am currently streaming myself on twitch while writing, and often stream myself while working on projects - also you get to hear my husband who is a total dork. https://www.twitch.tv/otterlywasted
> 
> I also occasionally post updates on twitter: https://twitter.com/OtterlyWasted
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! - OtterlyWasted


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